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Thursday, June 28, 2007

This Sucks

Dear Brand New Vacuum,
I think I love you already. You are so quiet and you made the carpet look so pretty. You have so many settings-9 carpet heights?? Hello?! Who has that?! And a telescoping attachment wand-niiiiiice. I will treat you so nicely, I promise. My past vacuums have all broken my heart. Oh sure, they start off ok-picking up bits of fuzz here and there and making nice tidy little stripes on the carpet. But for some reason, the giant wads of Golden Retriever fur always frighten them into some sort of paralysis and they stop working. Completely. I've been good to them and bought them new belts, new bags, given them a good luxurious cleaning-all I ask in return is a little effort, some hard work a couple times a week. It's not like I asked them for daily time with me-I gave them their freedom and sometimes didn't even make them wind up their cords! They had their own closet, a nice rack for their tools-but could they give me any consistency? No! Really, what's so scary about a little bit (or more) of dog fur? I know you will not be that way-you are rated a Best Buy by Consumer Reports and noted for your awesome handling of pet fur. Maybe you can collect it and help me send it to a special place. Well, maybe not--but we could if we wanted to! We will be together forever, me and you (or at least for about 10 years, per the standard life ecpectancy of a vacuum) and we will blast away dirt, fur, pug-shredded paper bits, Husband-tracked mud, Thing-tracked mud, dog-tracked mud, and bits of yarn ends cast upon the carpet. Thing 3 can roll freely about, safe in the assurance that you have provided her a furless place to explore. I get giddy just thinking about you. I think I'm going to use you again right now just so I can fall in love all over again. This is the start of something beautiful, I can feel it! I am trusting you, Smartvac-you're The Boss and I expect nothing less.


Missy said...

So touching. I happen to be vacuum shopping so this is helpful.

Cara said...

Mazel Tov! I'm sure you two will be very happy together!

Blissful Debbie said...

Jody, you really should be a writer! I went through vacuum trauma for several years in a row. I can't tell you how many we went through that I wanted to open the door and send them into vacuum abyss. Finally, we bought an Oreck and I love my little 8lb bundle of joy!

Gina said...

Make sure you use protection with your new lover.

Diana said...

I bought one of those within the last 6 months and have already replaced it!! It 'sucks'like crazy but it was too damn heavy, 30lbs!!! Sooooo, husband will use that one in the basement and I'll use the new 9lb. Bosch everywhere else! It fortunately works good too.