Sunday, November 9, 2008
Official Numbers and The Thoughts They Bring
We are #10 girls, #7 boys on the waiting list, as we expected. So close, and yet so far...ish. Oh the unknown journey of adoption. "When will your adoption be finalized?" We don't know. "When will you go to Ethiopia?" We don't know. "Are you adopting a boy or a girl?" We don't know. "How old will your baby be?" We don't know. "How much longer will you be on the waiting list?" WE DON'T KNOW. Some days I want to scream it, and tell all well-meaning friends and strangers to stop asking me all manner of questions to which I just do not know the answer. Other days I wonder why people are not asking and why they don't care. Some days I just want to be there, meeting my newest little Thing and locking eyes with the dream that was conceived in my heart a year and a half ago. Other days I pray that it will never come because I am just not ready and I have so many fears of what the future holds for our family. Some days it is all I want to talk about and I want to tell the world about the plight of the country of Ethiopia and shout from my soapbox about how we CAN make a difference and we SHOULD do something, RIGHT NOW. Other days I want to curl in a ball on my couch, not speaking one more word about it, not even thinking about something that seems so hard, so unreachable, so overwhelming. The juxtaposition of these opposite days, these incessant questions with no answers, can be hard to reconcile in my mind, but fortunately, I know the Master of reconciliation. Every day, He knows the answers to all the questions. Every day. Every question. I don't need to know. And every day, He asks me to walk with Him. What an honor. What a blessing. God is good.