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Sunday, November 9, 2008

Official Numbers and The Thoughts They Bring

We are #10 girls, #7 boys on the waiting list, as we expected. So close, and yet so far...ish. Oh the unknown journey of adoption. "When will your adoption be finalized?" We don't know. "When will you go to Ethiopia?" We don't know. "Are you adopting a boy or a girl?" We don't know. "How old will your baby be?" We don't know. "How much longer will you be on the waiting list?" WE DON'T KNOW. Some days I want to scream it, and tell all well-meaning friends and strangers to stop asking me all manner of questions to which I just do not know the answer. Other days I wonder why people are not asking and why they don't care. Some days I just want to be there, meeting my newest little Thing and locking eyes with the dream that was conceived in my heart a year and a half ago. Other days I pray that it will never come because I am just not ready and I have so many fears of what the future holds for our family. Some days it is all I want to talk about and I want to tell the world about the plight of the country of Ethiopia and shout from my soapbox about how we CAN make a difference and we SHOULD do something, RIGHT NOW. Other days I want to curl in a ball on my couch, not speaking one more word about it, not even thinking about something that seems so hard, so unreachable, so overwhelming. The juxtaposition of these opposite days, these incessant questions with no answers, can be hard to reconcile in my mind, but fortunately, I know the Master of reconciliation. Every day, He knows the answers to all the questions. Every day. Every question. I don't need to know. And every day, He asks me to walk with Him. What an honor. What a blessing. God is good.

9 comments:

Three2Five said...

I remember having those same thoughts! Oh how they fly away the second that you get "the call." It is amazing how the anticipation you feel right now is building your readiness to see your little one's face.

Kristi J said...

Wow..what a powerful post!!! It still seems like an eternity away for me at #13...Where are all the people around me in numbers?? I'm all by myself on Amy's list...(: kj

Our journey said...

I felt the same way Jody and I still get frustrated with the questions. I think it is hard, because I don't have the answers. I don't know how much longer. I don't know when we will get to bring her home. We are there with ya!

Renee said...

If its any help Christy told she would estimate a referral by the end of dec or being of january. Not a guarentee but I was happy she answered the question for me.

Eric and Michelle said...

Jody,

This is a universal way of feeling as you go on this journey I think. The I do not knows are my biggest struggle. Eric and I also got a nasty e mail and phone call from his mother telling us we are fools to have started this, that we have emotionally damaged our children to put them through this. That this will probably never happen and a bunch of other discouraging hurtful things.

I am wounded and overwhelmed and can so relate to the this way one day this way another day emotional roller coaster.

Jesus bless you guys. A moving process has to have some rewards. Hearing updates and new numbers is encouraging. I know how hard it is though.

Sunny said...

oh thank you thank you thank you! You spoke what my heart needed to hear today.

Dawn said...

Oh goodness - are you inside my head or what?! I feel the EXACT same way!! I can't tell you how many times I say "I don't know" in a day.

I really really really want to hear of some movement soon!!

be_a_Mary said...

i still feel this way!! one day i want to get all preachy at folks about orphan care. the next day i want to caution them that this is hard! one day i can answer a bizarre adoption question and call it 'education' and other day i want to put a shoe in their mouth. :)

i guess one thing i felt during our process is that there is no 'right way' to manage the unpredictable nature, the rollercoaster of adoption. sometimes its messy, sometimes its lovely . . . neither are right, or wrong. ;)

i cant wait for you to have an image in your mind, a referral to answer some of those questions. it will help you as you process all of this!!

Dawn said...

Hello friend - I tagged you!